Scarred Memories
by parsnip
Summary: Set after Manga Chapter 198. After Tsubaki's curse is thwarted by Kagome, she flees into the woods where she reminences on her past with Kikyou and the relationship they could have had. [TsubakiKikyou] Written for iyflashfic NovDec challenge.


**Title:** Scarred Memories  
**Written For:** Geofount over at the livejournal communtiy iyflashfic  
**Pairing or Character:** Kikyou/Tsubaki  
**Rating:** R  
**Word Count**: 2707  
**Spoiler Warnings**: Manga chapters 192-198.  
**Warnings: **Contains some yuri but nothing too explicit.

**Author's Note**: I was told that in the anime, background information was given on Kikyou's and Tsubaki's relationship that was not included in the Manga chapters I read above. So, in a way, this became an unplanned AU, but since I found out about this new information about two hours before this fic was due, I couldn't really do much to change it. Meh. Better luck next time I guess!

Also insert usual disclimer denying my rights to Inuyasha herel

**Scarred Memories**

It was gone. The Shikon no Tama, _it _was stolen from her by one of those stupid saimyoushou that Naraku had tricked her into accepting. Tsubaki's hand curled around the folds of her kimono, the white of her flesh bright against the dark background of her robes.

Everything was gone.

Even her beauty had faded to wrinkled skin and stooped shoulders now that the last youkai had deserted her. With the jewel gone, her revenge against Kikyou and Inuyasha was but ashes on the wind leaving her bereft, a hollow being cursed with the seed of jealousy and hatred.

Tsubaki staggered to her feet, scale-covered eye twitching with exertion she could ill afford to expend. What pride she had left denied her the right to lean against the tree next to her; to do so would be to admit she had lost, again.

Moisture rose unbidden to her eyes and angrily trickled down her face as she recalled in visceral detail that brief period of time she spent at the shrine. She had adopted the role of miko apprentice in need of knowledge that only the great Kikyou, herself could impart in order to steal the Shikon no Tama.

Kikyou had looked down on her as she stood with a basket on her hip and bandages trailing over the edge while a young girl, Kaede she later discovered, watched her from behind her sister's body. Tsubaki had to fight back the bile that threatened to destroy her careful disguise as she groveled before the miko, begging her to finish the teaching that her prior sensei had started before passing away. It had been the tears that rose on cue to her eyes that made the standoffish woman turn on her heel, coolly telling her sister to get Tsubaki settled in her new living quarters.

Kaede had been shy, almost skittish as she showed her to a well kept hut near the edge of the village. It was homey really, with a fire pit in the center and a pair of futons neatly rolled up and tucked away along the wall's edge. Herbs hung from the ceiling to dry and filled the hut with a heady aroma. It appeared she would be staying with Kikyou for the time being. She was quite happy with that arrangement; it would give her more time to discover Kikyou's weaknesses while she disguised her own with presumed incompetence or so she had thought.

The next day had been a trial in patience. Kikyou had drilled her mercilessly, testing her herb lore, her spiritual talents, and her weapons skills. She had dragged her on her rounds to treat the sick and injured; Kikyou's sharp eyes picked apart her skill with bandaging wounds. Tsubaki came to realize she didn't know quite as much as she thought she did.

But she was still certain she held more knowledge then the great Kikyou in the realm of curses. She had trained and studied half her lifetime to perfect those skills. Combined with her beauty, a score of men had fallen at her feet, giving her everything she desired and more. It was a heady feeling, power, and something she craved to preserve and strengthen.

It was the sole reason she was after the legendary jewel of four souls. To be assured a lifetime of perfected beauty would ensure her livelihood. She never wanted to toil again as she did now under Kikyou's tutelage even if it had kept her alive when beauty failed her, a blessing and a curse considering it was Kikyou's counter-curse that destroyed her.

Tsubaki sighed deeply as she took a tottering step forward, the weight of nearly seventy years of life resting on her shoulders. To be youthful again was something she yearned for even though it was youth and inexperience that thwarted her plans back then. She had not expected to actually _like_ the woman, Kikyou.

They had so much in common, really. Their warmth to others merely served to hide their true nature and concerns from those unable to understand the burden of duty and responsibility, a miko's way of life. They were dedicated to training to searching for new means to serve their chosen purpose although Kikyou concentrated on protecting her village and the jewel while Tsubaki desired that same jewel for herself. There was so much there, really, that attracted the dark miko to the uncorrupted one.

Her beauty had slowly grown on Tsubaki as she carefully watched her 'sensei' during their daily rounds. Slowly, she uncovered the coveted vulnerabilities in the slightly older miko. They were never openly revealed, no, but for one who constantly watched the woman's every move, searching for weaknesses in that sharp visage, the vulnerability was all too plain to see.

The longing stillness of Kikyou's movements had spoken loudly to her own as she paused on a hill top to watch a pair of lovers embrace or the stunning orange covering the sky at dusk. It was a long, difficult road they had each dedicated their lives to that denied them pleasures with the opposite sex in order to preserve their power. If only Tusbaki had not forgotten her goals and replaced them with new ones.

She lingered in that village longer then necessary having already gathered all the information she needed to steal the Shikon no Tama. Instead of leaving, she tagged after Kikyou from a selfish desire for companionship and the light banter exchanged during lessons. She delighted in watching her, imprinting in memory everything about Kikyou that entranced her from the way the sunlight glinted off her fine black hair and how her hands moved with efficient grace as she tended the wounded and elderly. She admired her proficiency as she succeeded in destroying youkai after youkai that came for the jewel which shone with a pure pink light. Tsubaki deemed Kikyou beautiful, and it made her wonder why she had desired to preserve her own in the first place.

Kikyou was always collected and stayed calmed no matter what travail was thrown at her. She was efficient in executing her duty and it filled Tsubaki with a desire to see if that same confidence and deftness would carry over into a physical intimacy she had just begun to yearn for. But neither love nor lust seemed to enter the miko's thoughts causing the dark miko to pine in silence. Kikyou never seemed to be swayed by Tsubaki's carefully maintained beauty and dedication to her studies. The heart within the oblivious miko was hidden to her, despite her overtures. It was a bitter blow when she discovered her sensei's secret.

Tsubaki's lips twisted in disgusted remembrance. That day was indelibly burned into her brain, the scene deeply etched in a torrent of anger and pain. It had started out so blissfully too.

It had been a warm day, hotter then usual actually, and the sweat coated their skin as they hiked through the woods gathering herbs to replenish Kikyou's stock. Silence had been the usual form of communication with an instruction here and there as Kikyou pointed out the odd plant and its uses, expecting the information to be drilled into memory. She sometimes tested that memory as well, picking apart her apprentice's answers with the swiftness of a hawk and tossing it back in disappointment at the lack of completeness. But, they had wandered far into the forest and came by chance upon a secluded stream. Kneeling at the bank of the happily gurgling stream, they washed the dirt from the gathered roots and leaves and tied them into bundles to later hang from the rafters of their shared hut.

Tsubaki gulped, dizzy with exhaustion and heat until her forehead came to rest against rough bark. She barely noticed it as the memory consumed her.

It was Kikyou, who made the first move, peeling off her haori and hakama with the grace and unabashed concern she normally showed, seemingly unaware of the wave of desire that gushed through her companion's body and the way her eyes followed the downward path of cloth as it fell to the ground. The miko then carefully stepped into the stream, letting the cool waters rush past her thighs as she knelt to allow her hands to scoop out the soothing liquid before letting it caress her flesh. Oh how the light had sparkled, glinting off the droplets like the finest glass! It mesmerized her and made her yearn to follow the droplets glide down the slim column of neck and between her breasts with hands, lips, and tongue.

Tsubaki laughed cruelly. She would have been better off running away from the forbidden fruit kneeling so bewitchingly before her, rather then doing what she did next. All it took to break her resolve was one dream-filled glance as Kikyou scooped up another handful of water to splash merrily down her flawless, white back.

She had torn her own clothes off her body; the movements jerky with trembling anticipation. She had waded across the rocky bottom, barely noticing the coolness against her heated flesh as she came up to stand behind the unconsciously arousing temptress who continued to splash her flesh with water. It was a shock to her system when the miko stood up, rubbing her body against her own and sending tingles of desire through her as the water acted as a conductor, increasing the velocity of the heady electricity that made her gasp and clutch at the woman in front of her.

And then her hand encountered one perfect breast, and it squeezed.

Tsubaki pounded the trunk in front of her in an attempt to combat the feel of perfect ghost flesh beneath her palms and biting back the yelp of pain as her old bones protested the abuse.

Kikyou had moaned at her touch, back then.

If only she had known where that touch would lead, she would have prevented her hands from roaming lower, her mouth from trailing kisses along that smooth back which beguiled her so. But life is cruel to both the good and the wicked. And, oh, were they wicked in their pursuit to fulfill each other! It was not something often done to release the pent up emotions of youth, and usually done in the shameful quiet of solitude. But to Tsubaki, Kikyou's shy hesitance had enraptured her, sent her eager fingers gliding over warm flesh while she whispered nonsensical words.

In the end, Kikyou gave into the open invitation she had unknowingly initiated, but it was during that moment of fulfillment as Tsubaki plied her tongue and fingers with a skill she never knew she had, that Kikyou betrayed her completely. It was in that moment that the true reason for Kikyou's acceptance of her touch was divulged.

She had lusted after a man, the forbidden fruit to all mikos who feared losing their power. She could not give into her desire for _his _touch though she could easily imagine it was him granting her relief instead of _Tsubaki_. Instead of whispering her name in a bliss induced cry, she whispered _his_.

In the end, after doing her utmost to show what lust Tsubaki had for her 'mentor,' only the taste of bitter defeat clung to her mouth, her lips, and her memories. She had been so ashamed that she fled, barely remembering to grab her clothes to hide the nakedness she had shortly reveled in.

And that single act led to her downfall.

She had watched the miko meet her hanyou lover in the meadow, watched them interact and coveted the exchange between them and that closeness. It made her yearn to be what she so obviously was not, part demon and essentially male. Kikyou had used her as surely as Tsubaki had used Kikyou. It had been but a release of tension; that was all. And the bitterness scarred her soul with hatred.

How she _hated_ the woman for breaking down her barriers so easily, for creeping past the walls of carefully erected enchantment and aloofness she affected to reel in her victims. She had offered her life to the miko in every touch and glance; she had even given up her original goal to steal the Shikon no Tama in order to aid Kikyou in protecting it, but she was rejected.

So after the hanyou left and Kikyou stayed behind in idle thought, Tsubaki sent her shikigami flying towards the miko, anger and frustration imbuing her curse, but it backfired because Kikyou sent it back to scar her face much as one name scarred her soul. And the woman dared, _dared_ to say, "_Vanish, I will spare your life at least."_

Life was a gift she did not desire having been rejected so thoroughly for the youkai they were supposed to hate. And so she dragged her body away, cursing the hanyou and the miko that had thwarted her so completely. But once she healed from the debilitating curse she had flung at Kikyou with all her might, after she had healed enough to notice her marred flesh, she sold her soul to a lesser youkai to regain lost power and her beauty. When she finally returned to the village to challenge Kikyou for the Shikon no Tama, it was to find a grave and a sealed hanyou.

It had been a bitter knowledge that infused her soul then. She was denied her revenge thrice over. What was it about that woman that kept knocking her down? She repelled her curse once, died before she could kill her, and now even her reincarnation had thwarted her retribution.

Tsubaki gritted her teeth and snarled angrily as she pushed herself away from the tree. Staggering forward, she made her way without care through the forest, cursing Kikyou, her reincarnation, the hanyou, and Naraku. It was with heavy footsteps she crashed through the foliage, snapping twigs beneath her feet. It was with dread she came face to face with the object of her hate, love, and _desire. _ Kikyou did not look happy at all, though.

"I warned you not to attack Inuyasha, Tsubaki," was the miko's deadly intonation.

Tsubaki laughed, her brittle soul crumbling beneath the strain of a fifty-year old memory. "Why would you ever think I wouldn't at least try? It was his name you cried on the stream bank."

Kikyou frowned. "You still think of that Tsubaki? It was nothing more then a moment's indulgence. Surely you didn't expect any more from me then that."

"I knew, but I thought you would at least remember who it was that was touching you." Tsubaki's cracked lips parted in a grim smile. "But that was expecting too much I guess." She staggered another step closer to Kikyou's stationary figure.

"That was unintentional, Tsubaki, but knowing even that, you should have heeded my warning. No one else is allowed to kill Inuyasha except for me!"

"Well then why didn't you kill me when you had the chance!" she lashed out, the accumulation of years of denied emotions rising to the foreground. She had sought out the lesser youkai at first in an attempt to be closer to what Kikyou wanted. She tried to kill the reincarnation of Kikyou's soul because it wasn't _her_. She had tried to kill the hanyou for murdering Kikyou fifty years ago. Why did Kikyou continue to thwart her at every turn?

Kikyou's dull brown eyes gazed into Tsubaki's anger filled ones. "It was what we both wanted, Tsubaki, and for that I spared your life once. It will not happen again."

Tsubaki watched with disdain as she put arrow to string. She watched humorlessly as those slim fingers she remembered so well pulled the arrow tight against the bow to send it flying into Tsubaki's heart. She nearly sighed in relief as the wood pierced her flaking skin with ease.

"Goodbye Tsubaki," she said dryly, turning away from the pitiful excuse of a dark miko.

"Good bye, Kikyou," gurgled the hunched over old woman before she fell with a thud to the ground. Satisfaction graced her face as the last thought that flitted through her mind was that at last, she would be free of the burden of memory.


End file.
